Dr. Mike Monday, Jun 30 2008

I felt the rejection today, and I’m not sure why. At some point the chemistry between us changed. In the beginning, it was a flirtatious doctor-patient relationship. Somehow the “flirtatious” part has disappeared. I’m not sure how, nor why. I always knew a relationship between us would never work, so I wasn’t even expecting that. But I’d like to go back to being flirty. Now I try and it’s awkward.

Today, after an emergency visit to his office, he told me to call him tomorrow if I don’t get any better. The back of my mind snickered while thinking, “here or on your cell?” and I didn’t have to say it out loud for him to add, “at the office.”

I never got comfortable calling him by his first name, either. Everyone else can. I still call him “Doctor.” *shrug*

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Student Wednesday, Jun 18 2008

I couldn’t understand desire then. Twelve years old, a mere graduate of grammar school. I couldn’t decipher why he was my favorite, why I always looked forward to his class, why I was deeply embarrassed when I disappointed him.

He taught me how to play. His hands on the head joint of my flute, lining the hole with my bottom lip so I could achieve optimum volume. Making fun of the teacher with my friends as to hide my admiration. He could do no wrong. I don’t know why I laughed with them.

Fifteen years later, we’re on a first name basis without explanation. I with my corporate job and Masters degree, he with his teaching and fiancee. I couldn’t have understood what I felt then. It’s as if there was no time between when he played teacher, calling my mom when I misbehaved, and when he could say, “you can definitely call me Kevin now.” It never did feel right being his student.

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Michael #2 Saturday, Apr 26 2008

Okay I obviously only update this thing when I’m burning on the inside. Like I have a secret I have to spill.

Sure, I’m still in love with my chiropractor. But even if it wasn’t my doctor, I don’t see that going anywhere.

There’s this guy at work. Ugh. Work guys. But I had seen him around; we acknowledged each other in passing (when I wasn’t too shy and staring at the ground). But then I was actually introduced to him, because Russell thought it would be nice for me to put a face to a name. Since we’d been talking via email for two days.

Oh, Russell, you don’t know what you’ve done. The moment I learned it was him, the verbal vomit began. I didn’t walk to walk away, and I would have stood there and talked to him if Russell/his boss wasn’t standing right next to me.

Next time I saw him, he was a ways down the hallway. And he waved at me. He waved. It was so innocent and adorable and I had to hide the huge grin on my face. And the next time we intersected, he actually backed up just to say “hey,” as if he didn’t realize it was me until too late. But still needed to say hello.

I don’t know about this one. It’s more promising than the rest, and if *gasp* he initiated things, well, that’s just what I’ve been waiting for.

I wonder if he’s sitting at home stalking me on google, just I have done with him. I’m a lot easier to track down, though (not that I google myself often).

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Dr. Michael Saturday, Dec 1 2007

I have a crush on my chiropractor. How lame am I?

The more time I spend in the Big Apple, the more I am becoming a stereotype. I have actually uttered the phrase, “you should visit my chiropractor.” Like he belongs to me. But he makes it so easy with that warm smile and the way he cracks my back into position. I anticipate the moment that I lie on my back, his fist pressed against my spine, when he has to pull me forward and press his weight against my body. There’s something intimate about it.

And the fact that he remembered I was a grad student with Saturday classes, and that I live two hours away? Most of my friends don’t remember that. He gets bonus points.

In all seriousness, I think my hormones are all out of whack. I keep on jumping from one inappropriate attraction to another, and I think all I need to do is find a boy that wouldn’t mind kissing me so I can at least force my body to calm down.

I’d like for that boy to be Stephen, whom I haven’t considered since high school, but it’s the most innocent crush I have. But a relationship wouldn’t work, because I’ve done the long-distance thing. That, and I doubt we’re compatible. But he would be such a comfortable cuddle buddy.

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Thomas Saturday, Sep 22 2007

I know he’s too young for me. But I always find myself hoping he’ll say something, that he’ll reveal his undying love, that one day he’ll give me a hug and hold on a little too long. And then we’ll know.

Saw him today for the first time in several weeks. He grinned foolishly every time he passed me, he came into the office to BS, all these things that made me want to forget my morals and close the manager’s door behind him. Every time I see him he keeps on looking younger; I see pictures online that remind me that he’s still in high school but I don’t care, I wouldn’t stop him.

I’ve never seen him on IM, though his name’s on my list, but now I sit here and hope he appears. Sends me a message. Because I never expected the array of myspace messages when I came back from work, never expected him to actually visit my website when I told him he should… these things that wouldn’t make a difference if we were “just friends” but everything points to that stage inbetween. The stage that’s as far as we can go, because otherwise I would be a pedophile.

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Heartache Monday, Sep 10 2007

I pray that he contacts me. I pray that I didn’t completely mess up what friendship we had, because I was too friendly. I pray that he really does come to the city for college, because then we can hang out again and who knows? He’ll actually be legal then.

I’m such a bad person.

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Kids Sunday, Sep 9 2007

Ashley: here are our high school crushes
and we’re frickin graduate students

That sums up our conversation of last night.

He somehow figured me out, but I left the job before things got horribly awkward. I’ll miss the kid, and I can only pray that he thinks about me sometimes. Could there have been something? I may never know. Perhaps if I wasn’t too friendly, or his friends didn’t talk about me [negatively, I can only assume], or, like I’ve said before, if he were 10 years older.

Would I have pushed him away if he tried to kiss me, though? Absolutely not.

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Falling Wednesday, Sep 5 2007

Every day, I feel further and further away from God.

I know that Satan’s working at me, because I feel embarrassed to talk to my Saviour. Though I am comforted in the fact that He already knows what’s on my heart.

I shouldn’t be embarrassed, though.

You can tell when I’m backsliding. The music I’m listening to, the thoughts I’m having, the way I speak. For goodness sake, I have a crush on a 15-year-old and it doesn’t bother me. That if he were to drag me into the back room I’d oblige (yet still have my limits).

The other day, he stood across the room and called my name. “Come,” he said, slowly motioning me over. His chin lowered, the intense look in his eye through the shag of hair across his forehead.

He is way too young for me.

And Benjamin continues to appear in my dreams. I miss him terribly.

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Prude Saturday, Sep 1 2007

I’m so tired of being good at the moment.

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Hormones Friday, Aug 31 2007

I’m fairly certain that my hormones are out of control. Either that, or the evil inside me is still looking for a rebound of sorts.

Said goodbye to Benjamin today, for the final time. I’m not sure I’ll ever see him again during this lifetime. It’s sad, though I surprisingly haven’t cried about it yet. Suppose I don’t believe it, considering I’ve had to say goodbye three times thus far. But he’s on his way home, with his family and a U-Haul, so I suppose this is it. And all I have are a few undeveloped pictures to remind me that he actually did make a difference in my life.

But in standard Katelyn form, my heart needs someone to pine over. My options are limited, and the more I resist the deeper I fall. Unfortunately, I work with a bunch of minors. And that, my friends, is a dangerous combination.

I need to meet people my own age. Seriously.

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